It Must Be Magic, ‘Cause Logic Don’t Shake Like That

I’ve been watching the Annual Brain Lint Festival, frequently referred to as the NFL Draft. For those of you drowning in ennui – or even faintly dampened by ennui – it’s an event not to be missed. The world hasn’t seen this kind of show since the Alchemist’s Guild threw in the towel on the old lead-to-gold gig. And we get it every year. We’ve even got two channels dedicated to the high priests of pomposity so we don’t have to worry about losing a single atom of the hot air so freely expended at the competing semi-circular desks. (You know you’re tuned in to IMPORTANT STUFF as soon as you see everyone strategically placed for primo camera angles.) And why are these guys wallowing in high winds and high salaries? Because they know and understand the arcane mystery of what we’re all watching. They have all the secret scoop on the instant millionaires parading up to the dais. Now, I’m a student of the game. I treasure my hours of watching. Nor do I see anything unsavory in the draft. You can honk about marketing human flesh until you run out of air – the plain fact is, the youngsters engaged in this deal are realizing a dream, and I’m happy for them. What tickles me silly, however, is watching the bozos at the curvy desks staring into the camera and explaining to me why Player X is a guaranteed winner and Player Y is a guaranteed winner, too, but maybe later. Or something. Anyone who’s willing to take a look at the team rosters a couple of years hence will discover that our authorities don’t have any more idea what they’re talking about than a like number of Congressmen. Every year we get the same ooohs and aawws about “this year’s group of quarterbacks” or “collection of offensive linemen.” We get their names. We get their arm length. We’re told “he’ll hit you.” Come on, these are football players; you expected rock, scissors, paper? The point is, I promise you, ask the same pundits about their gush three years from now, and you’ll hear a lot more ummm than oooh. Don’t kid yourself that the coaches and general managers are any better at the game, either. After all, these are the lads who bet the farm on these kids. Just run down that same roster and look how many undrafted free agents or low number draftees are carrying the team, filling slots vacated by hotshot high draft choices. However, there’s a bright side to all of this for us viewers and spectators. Just think – any of those experts could have chosen another career path. Wouldn’t it be exciting, considering so many of their professional judgments, if they’d elected to be airline pilots?

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